What a week

The week did not go so well at work, we had the 6th round of layoffs in 3 years yesterday.  We have gone from over 400 employees to 120.  Why do I stay?  The very best I could do (pay wise) if I left is a 50% cut. So yes, I am shallow and have sold me soul for a check. I already know, but in Arkansas, even this part of the state, I do quite well for a single woman. I am by no means rich, I live in a small house, I drive a 10 year old car, I don’t have cable, I don’t buy new clothes, but I am not on food stamps either.

The worst part of these is seeing my friends, and the people I have worked with for years walking out with a cardboard box and tears in their eyes. After 10 years, you get attached to people for good or ill.

I’ve been thinking about it, and working for a dying company is a lot like a bad relationship. You give it your all, you work, you pray, you struggle and they betray you again and again. Every time they promise this time it will be better, but it is the same thing, just when you think it is OK it all falls apart again. The last time, I joked that we should all qualify as professional survivors guilt counselors by now.  Lord knows we all have enough practice.

All of this personal rambling is to say, I did not write a story today. I had already realized i was going to have to stop doing a story a day because I have two large editing projects and cannot manage to get both writing and editing done in the same evening.  By the time I get home, feed the animals, go to either Zumba or Pilates, eat dinner, do chores, and clean up, it is well after 9.  I have only enough gas left in the tank for one or the other.  I must be getting old.

Tonight I did neither.  I ate crappy food and drank a couple of drinks and am giving up and going to go read a book in bed. I shouldn’t feel sorry for myself, I find myself in a mess of my own making, I am self-aware enough to see that, but I honestly have tried to believe that the company can pull itself out of the nose dive.  But I have been there before. Though it may say something about me that i have ridden two companies down into the ground like Kong on the Bomb in Dr. Strange Love. One friend tried to be nice and say that I am loyal. I am afraid I am just stupid.

Please just let me not lose my insurance before I have surgery at the end of the month! It is minor and not life threatening, but it will improve my life to get it fixed. I turned 40 and started to fall apart, now is not the time to be without insurance.


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